


Love Me Like You Do

by LadyP15



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:02:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24699508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyP15/pseuds/LadyP15
Summary: “I think I’ve come to a decision”, Caleb murmurs after a short period of silence, “I think you have the right idea about being married to one's work.”“I don't think it would agree with you”. Essek doesn't think it particularly agrees with him either. Not like it once had.~*~Caleb and Astrid split up and Essek is left to pick up the pieces, whilst secretly hiding his own heartache.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 59
Kudos: 162





	1. Chapter 1

It’s a Saturday night and the scent of uneaten Pad Thai wafts from the kitchen, Beethoven’s Symphony no. 1 drifts out lazily from the radio, low enough to be comfortable comforting background noise. Essek is lost in thought as he makes corrections on one of his student's papers. If he had done a bit of self-reflection, he might have pondered that it was an unusual sight for a 29-year-old to be in his silk dressing gown in the evening completing some marking, instead of joining the bustling Saturday nightlife of Rosohna. 

He is so thoroughly invested in this rambling paper these reflections never occur to him, so much so the sound of keys rattling in his flat door fails to register. 

It isn't until there is a swift draft of evening air alerting him to someone's presence, captures his attention. His hands freeze above the paper. The only person who has a key apart from himself and Verin is Caleb. Having been enthusiastically contacted by Verin that he and his current boyfriend were holidaying in Nicodranas, he highly doubts its overzealous sibling forcing some brotherly bonding. 

It’s nearing 11 at night; Caleb never just drops by but is always courteous to let Essek know when he is going to call. Caleb knows how much he appreciates his privacy, not that Essek would ever turn him away. The fact that he has done so makes an icy trickle of fear spread through Essek’s chest. Caleb is in trouble. 

Frozen in his chair Essek watches his living room door swing slowly open. It is Caleb for sure, he is in a smart pressed suit with carefully coiffed hair styled around his face, skin smooth from a recent shave, looking almost devastatingly handsome if not for the haunted look around his eyes. 

Struggling to stand due to the panic that has gripped him, he rises awkwardly to his feet. “Caleb, what a surprise. What have I done to …” 

Essek trails off at the shake of Caleb’s head as he continues stumbling into the room. He fails to meet Essek’s gaze but he can see that his whole complexion is ashen, aging him greatly compared to the hopeful youth he had brunch with this morning. 

“Do you mind if I sleep here tonight Freund?”, his voice devoid of his usual warmth, making Essek’s heart twinge with worry. His Caleb never sounds like that, shy and sometimes reserved but never hollow or dejected. Essek can feel his fingernails bite into his palms, he wants to find the root of this distress and watch it burn, but all he can do is give him a brief nod.

The room across the hall has and will always be Caleb’s. It has been many years since they roomed here together, but nonetheless Essek preserves it religiously just in case Caleb needs it. 

Forcing himself to move, Essek steps forward with an outstretched hand and opens his mouth to ask what is going on, but before he can form the words, Caleb mumbles, “Astrid has finished with me.”

A very small buried part of Essek grins maliciously. I knew she wasn’t right for you, too outspoken and prickly, not calm and gently caring like Caleb. Like milk mixed with oil, dense and incompatible. Another part doesn’t care about Astrid, all he cares about is wiping that cursed look off of Caleb’s face.

He wants to say or do something, but for the first time, this wordsmith is at a loss. He watches as Caleb sinks into his sofa, hands buried in his copper strands. Feeling the need to spout some platitude, but not one feels right or truthful. Always tactful and succinct Essek feels robbed of his usual eloquence.

Essek hesitates and then decides to pour some Whisky. He doesn’t normally drink, this has sat unopened in his cabinet since 2014, a department gift after some paper he had written. Essek forgets the details.

If nothing this should help Caleb sleep.

Uncapping the bottle with a small twist, Essek fills the glass musing angrily this must be Astrid’s doing, as it was only a month ago that Essek saw him gazing at engagement rings on his phone, Essek sat by his side, pretending he didn't see, pretending he didn't care, feeling himself get sick with jealousy.

Treading quietly back into the living room, he gently nudged Caleb's shoulder (face now buried in his hands) to take the whiskey. Red rimmed eyes, Caleb glanced up and murmured "Danke" at the sight of the drink. He takes it but makes no move to drink it.

Essek sits down next to him, it's a small cozy leather sofa, with enough space for them to sit comfortably apart but close enough he can smell Caleb's cologne. They sit in silence and wait for Caleb to divulge his hurt. He only knows too well what it feels like to be close to someone who doesn't return your feelings. 

But Caleb must be suffering so much worse, to have loved and then robbed of that love. Essek can’t imagine living with that torment, having to bask in Caleb’s affections and then it cruelly be turned away, Essek internally seethes for not being able to stop it.

Despite this simmering rage Essek effortlessly manages to school his face into the politely caring friend, it is, after all, a gift he has perfected over the years. 

He softly asks, “Whenever you’re ready we can talk about it.”

Caleb draws a shaky breath and lifts his head to gaze ideally at Essek’s collection of crystals, a humble collection no more than cheap trinkets really, displayed in a small glass case, a hobby that grew out of childhood. Alone as a boy he enjoyed getting them out of their case and running his hands over their sides admiring their different shades. 

Caleb had always teased him that he could always tell when Essek was stressed as they were always rearranged differently when he visited. Essek shrugged good-naturedly and let the friendly jokes wash over him. The gems were pretty to hold and gave him comfort on some of his most lonely nights. Caleb always made an effort to add to his collection whenever he went away on some conference picking them up at various sky stations. Essek would roll his eyes at his friend’s sentimentality, but would secretly treasure these gifts as it had meant Caleb had been thinking about him. 

There was a particular cornflower blue gem that he was fond of; perhaps it was because it reminded him of a pair of kind eyes that would twinkle when pleased. He had slept with that one clutched in his palm the night Caleb had moved in with Astrid. 

Now he doubts the gems will help ease the ache at seeing his friend so desolate.

Caleb's face is tear-stained and his hands are shaking. Trying to taper down the sense of despair swirling in his chest, he quietly offers, “ Is there anything I can do?” 

Caleb gives a little shake of his head.

“I think..I’ll just go to bed. I need to be alone for a while.” Downing his drink in one a feat that would have even Nott impressed. 

He pretends that throwaway comment hasn't hurt him as much as it did, of course, Caleb hasn't come for him for comfort, he lives the closest out of the Mighty Nein and he is here to simply seek shelter. 

“If that's alright with you?” asks Caleb and Essek can’t find the words to tell him just how all right it is, so he nods. Caleb stands and places the glass on the table (Essek is too upset to protest the fact he hasn't used a mat).

“Vielen Dank, Meine Freunde” sending Essek a tight smile, before he turns to head to the guest bedroom. Leaving Essek alone with his thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

Although astrophysics was his major, Essek had always had a soft spot for theoretical chemistry. It wasn’t a secret per se but his mother hadn’t encouraged it either, so Essek kept his interest to himself; that is until a bumbling freshman with tatty clothes had stumbled on his nook in the library. Ignoring Essek’s discouraging scowl, he had made himself at home and had stuttered out an excited chirp when he realised they were both reading the same book. 

Despite Essek’s cool indifference, Caleb had not been perturbed and it wasn't long before he was joined by his motley crew of ragtag friends. Loud and boisterous Essek should have despised them on sight. Uncouth and perplexing they had welcomed him as one of their own, actively seeking, contacting, texting him, calling him, inviting him to parties, inviting him to study sessions, and never asking anything in return other than his company.

The fact that they cared not for his name or money, warms him like an embrace in the way his mother’s praise never did. His mother had trained him rationally to ignore this sentiment and focus on the goal at hand, one of continuing the glory of the Thelyss’s' name. But as weeks turn to months and months stretch to years, the company of the Mighty Nein and Caleb’s warm laugh that sounds like a handful of copper coins, tossed in the air, drowns out any protest his mother’s voice might raise. As the seasons change and they progress from freshman to postgrad, to Ph.D. students the voice gets weaker and fainter, like a radio tuned slightly off-signal, until it is not there at all. 

He considers himself fully baptised into the Mighty Nein the day Jester’s Moondust makeup palette spills on his thesis. Despite his slightly pinched brow due to the sparkly residue that has stuck to his paper, he can't bring himself to bite out a cold retort. He finds himself surprised that he genuinely doesn't care, and that it's a nice reminder throughout the day that he has friends.

Throughout these lively interactions, Caleb continues to cloud his thoughts, all shy smiles, and knobbly knees, until the image of an unsure adolescent boy slips away and is replaced by a handsome quietly confident young man. His chest broadens and he shoots up an extra foot, so even willowy Essek has to tilt his head up slightly to meet his eye line. He still mumbles to himself while writing intricate notes, but his expression is more relaxed now, almost as if he had lived in fear before of being laughed at. 

When it came to Chemistry and his fascination for quantum mechanics, his enthusiasm was infectious. Caleb studied because he just simply wanted to know more, not about the prestige or scholarships but just for the sheer joy. Essek often found himself biting back a smile due to eagerness and was only too happy to share passwords to journals that were behind a paywall. 

Many a night Essek had tossed and turned contemplating those endless possibilities that haunted him throughout the day, whether a brush of the back of his hand had had a deeper meaning than previously thought, or maybe Caleb’s request to borrow his notes on a certain topic was a chance for them to spend more time together masked as academic interest.

Every secret exchange of smiles felt electric and when Caleb exclaims Essek’s name with joy after finally understanding a complex equation, Essek has to fight down the urge to grab him by his loose tie and kiss him forcefully, fingers cupping his chin. Instead, he contends himself with Caleb’s captivating company and tries to calm the nameless little flutters low in his stomach.

These teasing and bittersweet moments had often kept Essek’s mind spinning with possible fantasies of them being an item. But the thought of voicing his feelings and being brushed off or worse laughed at is enough to silence him. So Essek loves him quietly and faithfully. Relishing the moments when he is introduced as ‘Caleb’s friend’ and reliving the small moments of intimacy again and again, which keeps him satisfied for now.

So when Astrid captures his attention, Essek smiles benevolently, joins in on the good-natured ribbing the Mighty Nien throw at him after stumbling into the dorm smelling of Yves Saint Laurent’s Black Opium. And tries not to let his eyes linger too long on the dark marks littered alongside Caleb’s neck.

He shouldn’t want this, shouldn't need this in the way that he does. He should be able to cut him away clinically and move on. Caleb Widogast although a brilliant mind and a pleasure to look at, on paper serves no purpose of Essek Thelyss; One of money and prestige, whose very name could open doors, and yet here he is quietly longing to trace the palate of Caleb’s mouth, yearning to weave his fingers into those impossibly soft strands of copper hair. The need to place soothing kisses on that troubled brow is a need that Essek fights every day.

He feels himself bristle under Caduceus’s knowing gaze and worries that he may have shown his hand. But Essek has been fortunate, Caleb is not fluent in the language of love, and the secret meaning of his looks and restrained touches have gone untranslated.


	3. Chapter 3

It had taken 3 months before Essek had allowed Caleb to return to work. The first morning he had risen quietly but with a determined look in his eye. Essek had thought nothing of it and saw this quietness as a symptom of recovery.

It wasn’t until he had received a call from the university later that morning, asking him to come and collect Caleb. On arrival Essek had discovered Caleb had done hundreds of coins worth of damage by smashing glass chambers, collapsing in a crying mess on the laboratory floor.

Half dragging half walking him home, Caleb had tearfully admitted that Astrid had been cheating on him for several months now and the mere sight of her workstation had sent him into shock.

Biting down on the inner wave of rage, Essek had managed to pile Caleb into bed. And wondered if it was a bit excessive to get his mother involved in sabotaging Astrid’s career.

The early days had been hard, Caleb had rarely left his room and if he did it was often with a drained expression. Many a night Essek had heard him crying in his sleep, his heart yearning to go and comfort him but scared of crossing that line. He became disinterested with chemistry and didn't even raise an eyebrow when Essek had informed him that the Northern star was descending for the first time in 15 years next month. An event that both of them had pre-breakup eagerly anticipated. 

Sometimes Essek had watched Caleb frowning at his ancient laptop, typing a few words and then deleting them and starting again. Sometimes it had taken a whole weekend of editing to compose an email. Out of his periphery, Essek would watch him sigh deeply, shut his laptop and tinker with his test tubes, and then dart quickly to open it again about ten minutes later, checking his mail for an answer.

Pretending to wipe his glasses Essek would watch his lips form a tight line as Caleb attempted to lie to himself that he wasn’t expecting anything, that it was too soon, and he closed his laptop again. The process would repeat itself over the next few hours, with Caleb’s disappointment increasing again, and again, and again.

Some days he does get a response and his complexion brightens considerably. This is almost worse than the consistent disappointment Essek muses because as soon as Caleb reaches the end of the email he seems to be even sadder, more tired, and more defeated than before. 

Essek knows its an invasion of privacy but one day when Caleb leaves his laptop out he can’t resist having a look. Jester’s face swims into his thoughts, reminding him this is the kind of behaviour that makes him a “bad person”, her face fades when Essek ruefully remembers that he never was a good person to begin with, so it doesn't matter.

Trying to repress a shudder (because Caleb uses yahoo...honestly?) He reads the emails that Caleb has been sending. They're pretty casual with no reproach in their tone, day to day mentions of what he had been doing, new bakeries he had wanted to try, and what experiments he had been running. He asks about Astrid’s thesis, how is her dance classes going, is she looking forward to the holidays? Astrid’s replies are brief and to the point, until they stop altogether. Caleb writes again twice more before seeming to give up in despair. Essek concludes judging from the number of emails in his draft folder.

Essek has done everything he can to help, stocking the fridge with Zemnian goods, reminding Nott that it had been a while since she and Caleb had gone for a tavern crawl. He contacts Beau and encourages her to invite Caleb for a trip around her father’s vineyard, on the pretense of requiring Caleb’s knowledge of what the Zemnian pallet would be attracted to if they decided to export there. He rings in a favour from the paper Science Today and a day later Caleb gets an offer to publish several of his written works. 

Although Caleb faces most days with grim determination, he is still not the Caleb Essek knows and loves. Essek deems it an ultimate low when he starts googling, “how to help your friend through a breakup?” Whilst reading the advice he nearly slams down the laptop lid in frustration, how he is supposed to help Caleb see the positives of being dumped? And isn't it great that you now get to spend more time with your socially reclusive friend?”

Taking a deep breath, Essek tries to calm down and think rationally what Caleb needs right now; Comfort and stability, not some half baked ideas for teenage girls. Feeling pretty confident that he has provided the stability half with a pleasing home, Essek sets about tackling the comfort aspect. 

Contrasting to Essek, Caleb had a happy but impoverished childhood in Zemina, pre-Astrid he often told stories about his mother's baking, the smell waking him up before school. Although his parents had died in a tragic fire Caleb seemed to reminisce fondly on these childish memories.

Surely rekindling this memory would bring about some peace to his troubled friend's mind?

Relieved that he had finally had a plan, Essek sets about making one of Caleb's desserts from his homeland, Dampfnudel. Although not a confident baker in any sense (since he generally ate in restaurants or ordered in) he was reassured that as an individual who had a passion for chemistry could handle making the equivalent of a fruity dumpling.

Essek even feels a small burst of pride as he slides the bread in the oven, it looks identical to the picture in the instructions he found. Glancing at the clock he is more than confident he can review this journal that has been sent to him for consideration. It isn't until he gets a worried email from a student about question 4e, and a clipped call from his mother requesting his presence at the next Den meeting that he completely loses track of the time.

So distracted he has become that it is not before the click of keys in the front door that Essek remembers the probably burning dessert. To his horror, the once beautifully pristine dumplings are now black and not honey brown as suggested.

Shuffling into the kitchen, Caleb sniffs the air with an incredulous expression. “Have you been baking?”

Feeling like an adolescent drow who's just been caught reading Tusk Love, Essek admits a tense “Yes”, cheek twingeing with irritation. He isn't used to Caleb seeing his failures, and it makes the skin prickle at the back of his neck to think Caleb might think less of him. Ridiculous.

“Is this supposed to be Dampfnudel?” 

“Yes.” Essek tries to busy himself with putting away the flour, he doesn't like this intense stare that Caleb has him under, it makes him feel exposed. He internally curses why he thought baking was a good idea, he could have easily ordered delivery with Elfexpress. 

“It was supposed to bring you a bit of comfort but my mother rang and I got distracted”.

“You baked a Dampfnudel because it would make me….. happy?” Caleb looks confused, “You hate baking.”

“I know but I thought it might help”, Essek slams the cupboard door with a bit more force than necessary. He really shouldn’t have bothered, what a waste of time.

Essek turns to apologise for the mess but stops. Caleb’s stare hasn’t wavered, he still has a slightly pinched brow and his hair is lacking its usual bounce, but the corners of his mouth have upturned slightly. “Thank you”.

“You don't have to -”, Essek clears his throat and tries again, “It is burnt”, he reminds him.

Caleb takes the spoon and lifts the top of the dessert. “Argh but you see Herr Thelyss, as a highly regarded scientist you should have investigated before making a conclusion. The burnt part is truly superficial, the rest of the dessert is intact.” Points to the bubbling jam inside, that looks untouched from the damage the oven inflicted, “See?”

At the look of disbelief etched on Essek’s face, Caleb says, “Truly, I’m sure it tastes good too”. He cuts off a piece, “ The best part is licking the jam out anyway.”

He makes satisfied little hums as he continues to eat the slightly burnt dessert, his figure is still one weighed down by sadness, but the lines around his eyes seem to have lightened slightly.

Watching him eat, Essesk found his throat had constricted, which in hindsight was probably for the best since if he had voiced a sound it would be to say, “I love you most ardently and all I want is your happiness. And if it takes a thousand Zemnian desserts, I’ll bake every single one by hand to bring you some semblance of joy”. But he doesn't, merely nodding and providing a tight smile as Caleb passes and heads to his bedroom.


	4. Chapter 4

April raises its rainy head, as spring blows in fresh winds from the east. Although Rosohna is shrouded in constant darkness, there is a distinct lightness to the sky, more mauve than a deep blue. 

Essek spends these April afternoons with his forehead practically pressed to the window. It’s a good viewpoint of the garden path, letting him see what kind of day Caleb’s had.

Caleb has never been one to be predictable, but Essek finds the gait of his walk a good indication of what kind of mood he’s in. He prides himself on being able to tell the difference between a swift stride and an awkward shuffle and pause; the latter twitching to get out a book, but berating himself to save it until he gets home, and the former wanting to hide from the world as quickly as possible. 

Summer snatches Spring’s crown and Essek finds he is soon observing more shuffling walks, more murmurs of interested exclamations and he seems to respond albeit slowly, to group chats with trademark cat emojis. There are still sad days but Essek finds these days are more quiet than mournful; With Caleb staring into space, fingernails tracing the edge of the sofa, his face is more of acceptance rather than of grief.

He starts to want to join Essek for movie nights rather than politely attending, and does a little excited jog when the mail comes (perhaps containing the latest subscription of Science Today), his library ticket slowly becomes full again and it is not long before Essek is secretly paying his fines.

It’s on a dismal Thursday evening that Essek deems his efforts successful. Albeit distracted by a complex thesis proposal, Essek stilll looks up as Caleb had shuffled into the room. He had been gone twenty minutes, not long enough to go to the library and deposit some long overdue books.

Heart in his throat, Essek takes in Caleb’s appearance, apart from looking like a drowned rat, hair plastered to the side of his face and clothes clammy with rainwater; his face doesn't look too dissolute; one of shock, not heartbreak. His face is pale, mouth set in a soft line.

Essek ventures a casual, “Did you come home in a canoe?”

Shaking himself out of whatever fog has clouded his mind, Caleb lets out a small deprecating laugh, “Ja, I nearly considered it.” Turning he hangs his coat in the hall and Essek gets the distinct impression he’s deliberately avoiding eye contact. Addressing the sodden sleeve of his well-worn coat, Caleb continues, “I saw Astrid.”

Essek stills. “Oh?”

“Ja, she looked well”, walking up to the living room windows, Essek watches him lift the blind and stare out into the damp evening. His body isn't riddled with tension but looks relaxed. Admiring his figure from his office chair, a quiet part of Essek mourns the fact that he’s not allowed to encircle his arms around Caleb’s waist, put his chin on his shoulder, and murmur a quiet, ‘tell me about it.’

Instead, Essek shakes his head and resumes reading.

“I was dreading bumping into her, but it was like.. ich weiß es nicht... she didn't matter anymore or maybe not but-”, Essek glances at him out of the corner of his eye as Caleb swallows and tries to gather himself, “ It felt like she couldn't hurt me anymore, I’d already been at my lowest and now I’m just numb. I miss the good times of course, but those memories are all tinged with whether she was cheating on me and did she really enjoy any of my time.”

Caleb sighs, running his hand through his now damp hair, droplets flicking off and landing on his shirt, “It made me realise how much you’ve been putting up with my bullshit”, shooting a rueful smile in Essek’s direction that makes his insides squirm, “I’ve underestimated your dedication to our friendship, you’ve sat through the movie Cats twice for me! A feat most friends couldn't reach.”

Essek lets out an ungentlemanlike snort.

“Nein! I’m serious, without your patience and understanding, I truly don't think I would have pulled through.” Leaning over he clasps the side of Essek’s face softly, and for two small beats, he feels some soft lips press against his forehead. Bending slightly he meets Essek’s eye level; Cornflower blue to sunshine gold. Essek tries to take in every detail from the flecks of water trickling down his wrist, to the slight apple scent that clings to his clothes and the wholesome warmth that radiates from his palms. His heart is so loud against his ribcage he suspects not only Caleb but everyone on the street could hear it and know what this means to him.

This is as close to peace that Essek has ever known, it would only take a few inches and he could lay claim to those lips that had often haunted his dreams.

No sooner had that thought darted through his mind, Caleb leans away, smiling and making a comment about needing a shower. Essek is still too spellbound to form coherent sentences and lets him go without a comment.


	5. Chapter 5

The following week they attend a symposium on quantitative biology, it's neither of their specialties but they both enjoy listening to great minds debate back and forth about highly contested subjects. Afterwards, they walk back in silence enjoying the cool evening, after the past blustery days it makes a nice change.

Essek watches him out of the corner of his eye, Caleb looks at peace, hair loose but well kept, his tread light and shoulders look free of the burden they have been carrying. Essek wonders how much this is for show and how much is a conscious effort?

Catching Essek’s glances, Caleb asks, “What?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking….that weight you were carrying around, I think its finally lifted.”

Caleb smiles and rubs the back of his neck. “I think it's gone too, there's just too much to look forward to, to get bogged down with everything.” They both turn into their street, Essek slowing his gait to give way to a hassled looking gnome. “I mean there's Nott’s anniversary next month, my tenure is up for review-

“Which you’ll get”, Essek interjects quickly.

Answering with a hopeful shrug, he continues, “ I’m excited for my work to be published and…..” Caleb gives Essek a shy glance, “hanging out with you is a decent highlight. And I can’t enjoy these things if I’ve got this cloud hanging over me.”

There must be a trace of doubt on Essek’s face, because Caleb interrupts his train of thought with, “I assure you, my friend, I am a 100% sincere.” 

Caleb reaches for his hand and gives him a squeeze, dazzling him with a smile that silences any doubts Essek might have. He has loved the ease with which they have fallen back into old pre-Astrid habits. It’s bittersweet torture being so close to Caleb now that he’s single, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. They could stay like this forever. Essek would never demand more. But a small part of him knows that people like Caleb are meant to be adored, smart, handsome, and shy. It's a lethal combination that will attract any humanoid with half a brain. There will come a day when Caleb meets someone and leaves again, but until then Essek will treasure these moments.

At the end of the night, Caleb makes a strudel from scratch, pastry and apple wafting through the flat, the fruity cheap cider that Essek pretends to detest, lulls him into a comfortable doze as Caleb sticks a trashy film on.

Under heavy eyelids Essek watches the credits scroll past the screen, he hasn't taken any of it in but had been sneaking stolen glances over at Caleb. The lines had eased around his face, he looks more relaxed now than ever, the heat of the fire warming his cheeks.

“I think I’ve come to a decision”, Caleb murmurs after a short period of silence, “I think you have the right idea about being married to one's work.”

“I don't think it would agree with you”. Essek doesn't think it particularly agrees with him either. Not like it once had.

Caleb raises an eyebrow in surprise. “Oh? What happened to work first, everything else is a distraction?”. Essek glances under his eyelashes to see that Caleb is teasing him, eyes dancing with mirth. Taking a sip of cider instead, declining to respond. This is dangerous territory as it is.

Perhaps picking up on Essek’s shift of mood, Caleb looks uncertain when he next asks slowly, “Has there ever been anyone that took your interest?” Essek watches out of the corner of his eye as Caleb wets his lips, a sign that this question has been prickling at him for a while. “I thought you might be like Cadeouse and it might not be in your nature to want…. but perhaps I’ve got it wrong?”

Essek bites the inside of his cheek thinking about the asexual aromantic herbologist, oh if only.

Turning he gives Caleb his full attention. His posture is rigid. There is a determined edge that Essek knows well, he is not going to leave this room until Caleb is satisfied with his answer.

“There was,” he admits. “ It’s not important”. Waving his hand in dismissal.

Caleb form goes still and his eyebrow rises. “You never said”.

Essek rolls his eyes to exaggerate his indifference. “It doesn't matter”. Maybe it's the small sound of protest that Caleb makes or this vulgar cider he has been sipping, but he finds himself continuing. “He was shy but popular. I could never hold his attention for long, so I did not pursue it.” He gives a half-hearted shrug for show, “ I was just content to be in his periphery”. 

Eyes soft and expression warm, Essek lacks the courage to look at him as he knows he will want to lean over and kiss him, but instead swirls the remaining dregs around his glass. “You never once voiced your feelings?”

Essek shrugs, “I didn't think anything would come of it.”

“How long did these feelings last?”

Essek answer slips from his lips before he has a chance to stop himself, “They never went away”.

Caleb is leaning in closer now, his glass perilously close to spilling the remaining contents. “When did the feelings manifest?” 

If Essek didn't know any better, he would have thought Caleb was enquiring about a complex scientific experiment. Not his shambles of a love life.

The room feels a lot warmer now, heat licking at his cheeks, swallowing thickly. Essek replies, “First year of university”.

Caleb straightens, “What? Why didn't you tell me? Do I know them?”

Essek swiftly stands, bruising invisible flint off his shirt. He might vomit. “Forget it Caleb, it's unimportant”, he switches the TV off which had been playing constant static and gathers their glasses attempting to head to the kitchen. He pauses as Caleb reaches for his sleeve, avoiding those lovely questioning eyes. “It’s not someone. I can have.”

Essek refuses to lift his eyes, as the silence seems to lay heavy throughout the room. He senses rather than hears Caleb’s surprised exhale.

There he's done it. Caleb will know.

Refusing to see the pity written in his face, Essek continues into the kitchen, untangling himself from Caleb's loose grasp. his insides feel frozen. Caleb won't laugh at him but hearing his platitudes will be so much worse. 

He’s ruined everything. 

There will be no late-night stargazing.

No more hushed conversations in library alcoves

No more secret smiles.

He wishes he could erase the entire conversation or disappear into a black hole and never have to face the consequences. 

“Essek….” Caleb whispers softly. The concern in his voice, striking him like an arrow to his already bleeding heart. He makes a move to follow the astrophysicist to the kitchen. 

“It is of little consequence to you I assure you”, Essek says sharply. “ Please do not trouble yourself with my minor burden”.

“But I...you’re one of my closest friends. Of course, it is of consequence, you're in pain and I-”

“Caleb, please” He doesn't mean to retort so bitingly but he can’t abide the sorrow in Caleb’s eyes. He turns facing the stairs, with the weight of Caleb’s gaze between his shoulder blades. “I know things will never change and I have made my peace with that. So please let it go”. Voice rising slightly to emphasize his displeasure.

A few heartbeats later he hears a gentle “Well Guten Nacht then”. Giving Essek permission to flee from the room.

Closing the door with a staccato click, Essek sinks to the floor, grasping his glossy cropped silver hair in despair.

If he loses Caleb’s friendship because of this he doesn't know what he will do. He grits his teeth at the thought of Caleb over analysing every interaction they have had over the years. Will he recoil at their easy touches? Will he be repulsed with the gifts that Essek has bestowed? Gifts that Caleb had desperately needed, like a new scarf to keep him warm, a new desk lamp, and a brand new suit for his thesis presentation.

Will he think these were attempts to be bought? Essek shudders at the thought.

Still dressed in today's clothes he manages to crawl to his bed. Collapsing in a heap and pulls the duvet over his head, wishing that this had been a figment of his imagination and that this disastrous night never happened. Despite the mocking voices that consume his thoughts, it's not long before he slips into a fitful sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty new to the Shadowgast fandom and CR in general, but I really like these guys.


End file.
